noahs poetry

today felt different.
i’m not sure why.
my mum was kind—
and that’s not usual.

but even with her kindness,
even with the quiet,
they were still there.

the thoughts.
the voices.
the so-called friends
that live inside my head.

they told me
it was time to go.

i sat still,
staring at a rusted blade i found,
wondering how it would feel
to press it down,
to draw a line across my skin,
to let it all slip away.

they told me to.
they all told me to.

but they aren’t real.
i know that now.
and i can say no.

i did say no.

but they don’t leave.
no matter how I try,
no matter how I fight,
they stay.

always just there,
just loud enough.

today was different.

but i still don’t know
if that’s good
or just something else
to survive.

today i woke up
i woke up feeling happy
that feeling—happiness—
it didn’t last long

it stopped when i got out of bed
still sore from work the night before
still hurting from a fractured back
still bruised by the threat of homelessness
still aching from the death of my grandma

it was 10am
school day. i didn’t go.
my mum nags about attendance
i nod, say nothing, walk to the toilet

i don’t tell her what school is like
i don’t tell her i hate it there

i tell my friends
they laugh, think i’m joking
they don’t know it takes everything just to get out of bed
they don’t know i almost ended my life the night before
they don’t know what i’m thinking, what it feels like
they just nod
everyone hates school, right?

i’m in pain
always in pain
mental? physical?
i don’t know the difference anymore

today i woke up
thought i’d conquer the day
then i stood up

i left my room
got scolded for skipping
they don’t know i was awake ‘til 4am
alone
just me and my thoughts

today i woke up happy
i went to the bathroom, i showered
i cleaned my room—not because i wanted to,
but because i had to

while cleaning i found a blade
from back then
held it.
rusted, sharp enough.
i thought about it—again.
not the first time
but this time,
the voices in my head wore faces i loved

they told me to

today i woke up
i cleaned my room
i went to the doctor—my back’s healing
i went to the shops—
just milk, grapes, lunch stuff
jarred sauce and pasta
every week feels the same

i wake up
i go to school
i come home
i’m in pain

always in pain
it never ends

but today—
i woke up
and
i lived

i often think of what it would feel like
i think of what it would feel like to make it all stop
everything makes me want to stop
but at the same time, it makes me want to keep going

the thoughts in my head
the ones that tell me to stop breathing
the ones that tell me to stop living
they are the same thoughts that keep me alive
they are the ones that help me love

but no matter how much i love
no matter how much i want to keep going
no matter how much i am happy
no matter how much i am surrounded by people i love, and people that love me
i still can’t think of why i would want to keep doing this
the thoughts, constantly revealing themselves
‘what if you jumped out of the car’
‘what if you held your hand on the stove’
‘what if you stopped eating’

what if i listened to those thoughts
would anything bad truly happen
would it hurt? would it feel freeing?

i often think of ending my life
and i don’t think i would mind.

sometimes i like to think
sometimes i like to lie
sometimes i like to drink
sometimes i like to cry
sometimes i like to swim
sometimes i like to stop

sometimes i like to think.
when i think, i lie
when i lie, i drink
when i drink, i cry
when i cry, i swim
when i swim, i want to make it all stop

sometimes i listen to myself
sometimes i want to make it stop
but i know i can’t.
i know i can’t make it stop
if i do, i will hurt them
the ones i think of
the ones i lie to.

i want to make it stop. i want to stop thinking.
i want to break the cycle.
but i know i can’t
they can’t do it without me
i can’t do it without them
they don’t know about me
but i know about them