Category: Uncategorized

• different

  today felt different.
  i’m not sure why.
  my mum was kind—
  and that’s not usual.

  but even with her kindness,
  even with the quiet,
  they were still there.

  the thoughts.
  the voices.
  the so-called friends
  that live inside my head.

  they told me
  it was time to go.

  i sat still,
  staring at a rusted blade i found,
  wondering how it would feel
  to press it down,
  to draw a line across my skin,
  to let it all slip away.

  they told me to.
  they all told me to.

  but they aren’t real.
  i know that now.
  and i can say no.

  i did say no.

  but they don’t leave.
  no matter how I try,
  no matter how I fight,
  they stay.

  always just there,
  just loud enough.

  today was different.

  but i still don’t know
  if that’s good
  or just something else
  to survive.

  June 7, 2025

  ---

• today, i

  today i woke up
  i woke up feeling happy
  that feeling—happiness—
  it didn’t last long

  it stopped when i got out of bed
  still sore from work the night before
  still hurting from a fractured back
  still bruised by the threat of homelessness
  still aching from the death of my grandma

  it was 10am
  school day. i didn’t go.
  my mum nags about attendance
  i nod, say nothing, walk to the toilet

  i don’t tell her what school is like
  i don’t tell her i hate it there

  i tell my friends
  they laugh, think i’m joking
  they don’t know it takes everything just to get out of bed
  they don’t know i almost ended my life the night before
  they don’t know what i’m thinking, what it feels like
  they just nod
  everyone hates school, right?

  i’m in pain
  always in pain
  mental? physical?
  i don’t know the difference anymore

  today i woke up
  thought i’d conquer the day
  then i stood up

  i left my room
  got scolded for skipping
  they don’t know i was awake ‘til 4am
  alone
  just me and my thoughts

  today i woke up happy
  i went to the bathroom, i showered
  i cleaned my room—not because i wanted to,
  but because i had to

  while cleaning i found a blade
  from back then
  held it.
  rusted, sharp enough.
  i thought about it—again.
  not the first time
  but this time,
  the voices in my head wore faces i loved

  they told me to

  today i woke up
  i cleaned my room
  i went to the doctor—my back’s healing
  i went to the shops—
  just milk, grapes, lunch stuff
  jarred sauce and pasta
  every week feels the same

  i wake up
  i go to school
  i come home
  i’m in pain

  always in pain
  it never ends

  but today—
  i woke up
  and
  i lived

  June 6, 2025

  ---

• the end.

  i often think of what it would feel like
  i think of what it would feel like to make it all stop
  everything makes me want to stop
  but at the same time, it makes me want to keep going

  the thoughts in my head
  the ones that tell me to stop breathing
  the ones that tell me to stop living
  they are the same thoughts that keep me alive
  they are the ones that help me love

  but no matter how much i love
  no matter how much i want to keep going
  no matter how much i am happy
  no matter how much i am surrounded by people i love, and people that love me
  i still can’t think of why i would want to keep doing this
  the thoughts, constantly revealing themselves
  ‘what if you jumped out of the car’
  ‘what if you held your hand on the stove’
  ‘what if you stopped eating’

  what if i listened to those thoughts
  would anything bad truly happen
  would it hurt? would it feel freeing?

  i often think of ending my life
  and i don’t think i would mind.

  June 6, 2025

  ---

• i like to think

  sometimes i like to think
  sometimes i like to lie
  sometimes i like to drink
  sometimes i like to cry
  sometimes i like to swim
  sometimes i like to stop

  sometimes i like to think.
  when i think, i lie
  when i lie, i drink
  when i drink, i cry
  when i cry, i swim
  when i swim, i want to make it all stop

  sometimes i listen to myself
  sometimes i want to make it stop
  but i know i can’t.
  i know i can’t make it stop
  if i do, i will hurt them
  the ones i think of
  the ones i lie to.

  i want to make it stop. i want to stop thinking.
  i want to break the cycle.
  but i know i can’t
  they can’t do it without me
  i can’t do it without them
  they don’t know about me
  but i know about them

  June 6, 2025

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